Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
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Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries