How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
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Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown