I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
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Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Cndnsd Mlk
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
The USS B port
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.