Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of StarksWeek's best tweets

@StarksWeek : "Holy shit, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.

@StarksWeek: "I put on pants for nothing"

- my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.

Someone set up her Twitter account.

@StarksWeek: Me: "you hang up"
Her: "no you hang up"
Me: "no you hang up"
Her: "no y-"
Jail clerk: "sir, you only get one phone call."

@StarksWeek: You can tell Tim Horton's is a Canadian franchise, because my donut just apologized for making me fat.

@StarksWeek: How did we go from crappy gas station coffee to "Yes I'll pay $7 for you to put that in a cup for me"?

@StarksWeek: I've been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.

*never shuts the hell up*

@StarksWeek: "Bluetooth or crazy"

- is a guessing game I play when I see someone talking to themselves on the street. I usually guess wrong.

@StarksWeek: I'm not saying I'm bilingual but if you shout at me in German I'll probably do whatever you want

@StarksWeek: Accidentally ordered a large Coke from McDonalds. My Smart Car tipped over