I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
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Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma