5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
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Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?