For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
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Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.