Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
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“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood