Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
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Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.