Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
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Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.