Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
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[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Never ghost your hitman.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.