just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
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No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Fidel Castro was alive?
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Who does Amazon think I am?
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl