me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
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People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.