If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
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I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
did it work
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.