Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
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My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]