Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Thank you corporation very cool
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.