Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
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IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?