The “research” scene in every horror movie
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me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.