Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
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[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”