Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Swishergirl24's best tweets

@Swishergirl24 : "Be cool, be cool, be cool" ~me before I'm about to not be cool.

@Swishergirl24: Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

@Swishergirl24: I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

@Swishergirl24: Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

@Swishergirl24: This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I'm some kind of wizard.

@Swishergirl24: Meeting people from the Internet is a great way to either get murdered or have sex. Either way it sounds great.

@Swishergirl24: Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you're rock climbing.

@Swishergirl24: I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that's not how pregnancy works.

@Swishergirl24: So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I'm not pregnant when they ask when I'm due.

@Swishergirl24: Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.