me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
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Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.