In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
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I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.