In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
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Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
United Steaks of America
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.