me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
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Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone