told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
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“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
SCARY COSTUME
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!