I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
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Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Jesus steals the winter solstice