This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
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genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
some cats are just doing for fun!
look at me when i’m typing to you
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…