I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
*jazz hands*
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning