I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
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Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
This is not me but this is me
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*