Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
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9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Yes
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?