Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
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see you in hell you stupid fruit
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.