Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
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Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.