My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
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Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
This week’s mood.