My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
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My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
This is my bus stop.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with