Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ThaJawn's best tweets

@ThaJawn : 911: What's your emergency? Me: Someone is eating pineapple on pizza! 911: That's- Me: PUT THE PIZZA DOWN, KAREN! THE COPS ARE ON THEIR WAY!

@ThaJawn: (Confessional)

Me: I played badminton and enjoyed it

Priest: That's not a sin

Me: I don't understand this religion...

@ThaJawn: Me: *searching cabinet

Wife: What are you looking for?

Me: A spouse

Wife: You mean spice

Me: No, just one

@ThaJawn: "Cute cat, what's it's name?"

Too-ra-loo-ra, but you have to sing, or she won't come

"Um ok,🎶 Too-ra-l"


@ThaJawn: To whoever hacked all the Yahoo accounts, please email me my Myspace login info. It's in there somewhere...

@ThaJawn: *arrives at funeral

*whispers to widow

Where should I park my food truck?

@ThaJawn: 5: There's a monster under my bed...

I wouldn't be scared of monsters, I saw a video of snakes hunting in packs *kisses forehead* goodnight

@ThaJawn: An air horn that looks like a febreze can so you will always know when someone shits at your house

@ThaJawn: David Attenborough: She looked lovely as she sat down to dine

Her: Are you narrating this date?

David: It was the only thing he knew to do

@ThaJawn: My dog just ate the last piece of pizza but of course when we were ordering and I asked who wanted some, she didn't say shit