Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
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Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
can’t bark with your mouth full
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I needed a laugh this morning.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it