Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : They say Life never gives you more than you can handle. Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

@TheAlexNevil: First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing...well...I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

@TheAlexNevil: When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.

@TheAlexNevil: *holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

@TheAlexNevil: Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.

@TheAlexNevil: Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

@TheAlexNevil: WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

@TheAlexNevil: *opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

@TheAlexNevil: Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

@TheAlexNevil: Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat

Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon - bring it!