@TheAlexNevil: First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing...well...I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
@TheAlexNevil: When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
@TheAlexNevil: *holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
@TheAlexNevil: Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
@TheAlexNevil: Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
@TheAlexNevil: WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
@TheAlexNevil: *opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
@TheAlexNevil: Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
@TheAlexNevil: Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon - bring it!