Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : *speed dating bell rings Me: Why are you breaking up with me?

@TheAlexNevil: People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you - Thor?

@TheAlexNevil: Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don't you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

@TheAlexNevil: *first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

@TheAlexNevil: *first day as a hair stylist

“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”

@TheAlexNevil: Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

@TheAlexNevil: If I'm eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask "Will you pay for my meal?"

@TheAlexNevil: *meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

@TheAlexNevil: *washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

@TheAlexNevil: Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.