Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it's that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

@TheAlexNevil: If Twitter has taught me anything it's

[several hours later]

time management.

@TheAlexNevil: This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

@TheAlexNevil: Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

@TheAlexNevil: 7: I'm thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

@TheAlexNevil: Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I'm terrible with decisions, so I went home.

@TheAlexNevil: Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

@TheAlexNevil: CW: Who's the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don't have time for this, so I'm going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

@TheAlexNevil: I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren't all that happy with me right now.

@TheAlexNevil: "Give me the bad news, Doc--how long have I got?"

"Your wife's procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can't go to Vegas."