Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to. Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.

@TheAlexNevil: Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

@TheAlexNevil: Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

@TheAlexNevil: How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

@TheAlexNevil: When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.

@TheAlexNevil: *sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

@TheAlexNevil: Me: I'd like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?

@TheAlexNevil: *cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

@TheAlexNevil: Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I'm disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let's think about hippos

@TheAlexNevil: “Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”