Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : *knock on the door Satan: Yes? Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

@TheAlexNevil: Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—

*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact

@TheAlexNevil: *first day as a dog catcher

“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”

@TheAlexNevil: *at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

@TheAlexNevil: Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

@TheAlexNevil: Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

@TheAlexNevil: Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

@TheAlexNevil: *first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

@TheAlexNevil: Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

@TheAlexNevil: Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?