@TheAlexNevil: Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
@TheAlexNevil: *at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
@TheAlexNevil: Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
@TheAlexNevil: Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
@TheAlexNevil: *first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
@TheAlexNevil: Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Me: Am I in trouble?
Me: I’m in trouble.
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?