Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : Lawyer: And your opinion? Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!'

@TheAlexNevil: Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren't the droids you're looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they're nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

@TheAlexNevil: There's nothing I've learned from being a father that I couldn't just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

@TheAlexNevil: Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

@TheAlexNevil: *brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

@TheAlexNevil: “Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”

-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport

@TheAlexNevil: *doesn't know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

@TheAlexNevil: Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend

@TheAlexNevil: First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.

@TheAlexNevil: A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.