@TheAlexNevil: Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
@TheAlexNevil: Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um...could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp--
M: No, don't tell me-I said a hint.
@TheAlexNevil: *duck waddles into bar
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
@TheAlexNevil: People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
@TheAlexNevil: The straw that broke the camel's back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
@TheAlexNevil: Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.