Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : “Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”


-the first person to drink coffee

@TheAlexNevil: The past is past.
What’s done is done.
Mistakes were made, but that’s all water under the bridge. So, let’s call it a day.

HR: No.

@TheAlexNevil: Once bitten, twice shy.
Except if you were bitten by a shark. Then you might be dead, and shyness won't be an issue.

@TheAlexNevil: Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

@TheAlexNevil: Parents, then: Would it kill you to pick up the phone?

Parents, now: Would it kill you to put down the phone?

@TheAlexNevil: “Danger” was my middle name until I had it legally changed to “No, I’m good, thanks.”

@TheAlexNevil: I’m teaching my son to say “Please,” and “Thank you,” and “Come with me if you want to live.”

@TheAlexNevil: Sometimes you meet someone and know instantly how much you regret leaving your home.