Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : *gently runs finger down your cheek *checks finger for dust

@TheAlexNevil: *wakes up feeling healthy and energetic
*eats donuts

Whew, that was close.

@TheAlexNevil: When a child gets a bad cold that’s when parents feel completely powerless. You just know that little Petri dish is gonna get you sick too.

@TheAlexNevil: Bartender: This is from the woman at the end of the bar
*hands me her bill

@TheAlexNevil: *intercom

SHEEPLE, WAKE UP! THE SAME CANDY THEY CALL “HALLOWEEEEEEN” CANDY IS AVAILABLE ALL YEAR LO...get off me...let go...NEVER FORGET!

@TheAlexNevil: Him: What's that, Girl? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie (sigh): Let's go over it again: 1 bark means I'm hungry; 2 means let me outside; 3

@TheAlexNevil: Him: What's that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said "reservoir," but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.

@TheAlexNevil: Going to a friend's surprise birthday party. I already know about it, but I'll act surprised anyway.

@TheAlexNevil: Can't wait to one day be a grandparent, to see my adorable grandson misbehave, then look at my son and say "Annoying, huh?"