Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : "Space Jam...where do I even begin?" -Neil deGrasse Tyson

@TheAlexNevil: Death: You'll see me eventually.
Me: Or *will* I?
D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I've got you scheduled.
M: Or "do" you?
D: Stop that.

@TheAlexNevil: Me: If I had to choose between saving you or saving a stranger, I'd always pick you. How 'bout you?

Dog: No question--I'd save me too.

@TheAlexNevil: When the Olympics adds a Parent Shaking Head In Disbelief At His Child competition, I will do our country proud.

@TheAlexNevil: First day of school and 8's teacher has already sent a note home with him: "You dropped your son off at the wrong school."

@TheAlexNevil: *gets paper cut

*curses God for his cruelty

*sees commercial about starving children in Africa

*curses God for commercial interruptions

@TheAlexNevil: By "ancient ruins of a once great civilization"-standards, I keep a fairly clean house.

@TheAlexNevil: Me: Are you scared?
7: A little.
M: Me too. It's ok. I'm right here.
7:
M:
Wife: Oh my god--it's just broccoli!

@TheAlexNevil: "By the way, how's Mittens?"

-friend of the Schrödinger family

@TheAlexNevil: If there's a hardship greater than putting cheese on a cracker and having it break before it gets into your mouth I've not heard of it.