Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

@TheAlexNevil: Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

@TheAlexNevil: Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

@TheAlexNevil: Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um...could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp--
M: No, don't tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir...

@TheAlexNevil: Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

@TheAlexNevil: *duck waddles into bar

Duck: Bread

*bartender takes slice out of bag

D (angry): Just leave the loaf

@TheAlexNevil: People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

@TheAlexNevil: The straw that broke the camel's back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

@TheAlexNevil: Is it "nemesis" or "nemeses"? I'm renewing my wedding vows.

@TheAlexNevil: Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.