Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
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no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Thursday Thought.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.