I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
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[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out