ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
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I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Just say no
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
What?
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.