“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
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I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe