Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheDairylandDon's best tweets

@TheDairylandDon : No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you're never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word "vitamin"

@TheDairylandDon: If you think explaining this election to children was tough, try being single. The dog and houseplant just sat there in confused silence.

@TheDairylandDon: I don't trust the so-called "mainstream media." I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

@TheDairylandDon: Dammit, phone. It's always been 'this' and never 'thus.' I've got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.

@TheDairylandDon: Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I'd remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it

@TheDairylandDon: Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

@TheDairylandDon: Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

@TheDairylandDon: Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I'm Batman now.

@TheDairylandDon: A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because "that's weird." As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

@TheDairylandDon: No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye's Chicken commercials keeps calling me "Honey" so we'll see where that goes.