Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
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*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Become ungovernable.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.