If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
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Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.