My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
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Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Pandas 🐼🖤
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Welcome to the stomach
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Thinking about Jeff