Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
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All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.