[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.