I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
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[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*