I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
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I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’