Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
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I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.