[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
You Might Also Like
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Wise advice
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.