Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
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I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
what
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.