Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
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Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Me if I was a dog
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.