My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
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You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong